Saying Goodbye

On Friday, May 17, 2019 at 12:32 AM – My life and the lives of my two brothers, Chuck and Scott, changed forever. This may sound dramatic but it’s very real for us. This is the moment that God called our dad home. He was only 68 years old.

So, I don’t need to remind dad where he is or assure him that everything’s going to be okay. My brothers and I don’t need to tell him to keep his feet elevated for the swelling to go down. He doesn’t need to take anymore pills or insulin shots, he doesn’t need to check his sugar or get any other tests or blood-work completed. No more x-rays or CT scans. He no longer needs the pacemaker and the walker sits in the corner of his room. He’s made it to the other side.

I’m happy that he’s no longer in pain, I’m glad he’s not confused and thankful that he’s in God’s hands. My life, on the other hand, will never be the same. I’ll never see his call come up on my phone again, I won’t hear his voice or roll my eyes at his silly dad jokes. No more sitting beside him as he tells me the same story that he told me last week as I sit there smiling and nodding as if it’s the first time I’d heard it. He’s not here to tell me the best route to get to where we’re going or brag about the gas mileage his car gets. And that last puzzle he started is still laying on the dining table unfinished. We just can’t bring ourselves to put it away.

During one of dad’s last hospital stays he called me to make sure I was coming to see him and if I knew where he was. I told him that I was on my way and I knew where he was. He thought he was in a hospital out of state and was telling me how to get there. I listened to him and assured him I knew the way. It was hard seeing him so confused.

I believe dad knew he was coming to the end of his race. I saw him at the nursing home that Tuesday morning and spoke with his doctor before going to work. That night he called me and told me that he’d be gone the next day. I told him not to say that, that he would get better and be back home soon. My husband and I prayed for him over the phone before hanging up. I contacted my brothers and Scott went to check on him. He said dad was really weak so he picked him up out of the wheelchair and put him in bed.

Dad’s greatest fear was that he was losing his mind. The last time he was rushed to the hospital, my brother, and I stood beside him as the nurse asked him who we were and he looked at me as though he had never seen me in his life. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I was his only daughter! We had talked just about every day for the last I don’t even know how long! How could he forget me? He knew my brother was his son, but couldn’t remember his name. Age of the mind is so very cruel.

That was Wednesday afternoon, I spent the night with him and stayed with him the following day. We watched reruns of the Andy Griffith Show and American Pickers on the hospital TV. He was in and out of it throughout the day. There were moments that he knew who I was and where he was but they were few and far between.

The last time he said my name was when I was trying to get him to drink some juice. His sugar had dropped too low and the nurse was trying to get him to take a sip and he wouldn’t. She asked if I could give it a shot. So I stood beside his bed talking to him and trying to convince him to take just one drink. Dad looked right at me and said, “Angie, Angie”, I said “What daddy?” He said “Angie, I am still your father.” I was never so glad to hear him be so contrary. He never did take a sip of that juice. I just laughed and said “Yes, yes you are! I am so glad to hear you say it.” Then just like that the moment was gone and he didn’t say much more after that. Dad passed away just a few short hours later with me and my brothers near.

Some have told me I should celebrate because he’s where we are all striving to be and that he wouldn’t come back here if he could. He knew the Lord and he taught me God’s truth, so in my mind I know these things to be true. But my heart still aches knowing I won’t see him again here on this earth.

My two brothers, Chuck and Scott, and I are left with memories and dealing with the things he left behind. I see my dad in my brothers, they are strong-willed men that tell it how they see it. Just like dad! I hope they know how much dad loved them and how proud he was of them.

I pray that his six grandsons know how much he loved each and everyone of them. He bragged on each of them for their strong points. Whether it was because they were hard-working, preaching or for their gaming skills. He loved them and cherished his time with them. Unfortunately, dad will never meet his soon to be first great granddaughter. I’ll take his place and spoil her a little extra for him.

As for me, Dad and I didn’t always have the best relationship. But I’m thankful to say that we were able to get close in the last several years. I don’t feel like there is anything left unsaid. I know without a doubt that he loved me and he knew that I loved him. So with that I’ll say goodbye for now. I’ll be seeing you dad. You’re another reason I have to make heaven my home. Love you always! ~ Angie